I find myself blaiming my anger on so many things, yet never myself. I am a 39 year old woman who is in denial of being menopausal while at the same time trying to come off of anxiety meds which Ive been taking for the past 10 years. I find myself having seriously uncontrollable mean and hateful anger. Stupid little things tend to set me off. I go from happy go lucky to get out of my face in less than a second flat. Tonight my husband asked me to wash the bed clothes in the morning before I head out to work. He said he would have the washing machine empty all I needed to do was to put the sheets in the wash and start it. Well thats all it took, I was a mean and hateful person. My God the thought of me having to get up 10 minutes sooner than I would of had to on a normal day enfuriated me. Why? Hell I dont know. Now I lay here awake in disgust with myself for acting the way that I did.
If I could only describe to him the way I feel most times in a way that he could understand it. My body goes into sudden hot flashes that in turn my mood goes with it. I want to be normal I want to be happy go lucky all the time. To love and to care and just get through 1 day without this array of emotions.
While I know my body is doing better in the weening process, my mind still isnt ready to be off of everything. I still get dizzy and light headed and feeling of out of sorts. Im afraid to end this last bottle as the last one they didnt want to refill for me stating that I was to have already completed my weening process. What if im not ready? What if I can not control my anxiety on my own? This is just so stupid. Im addicted to anxiety medication. I feel like I should be standing in front of a room of people stating “hi my name is ___________ and Im addicted to anxiety medication.” How utterly embarresing is this stupid addiction.
Thankfully I have an amazing supportive spouse who well he gets me. He knows when Im having a bad day and he knows when to just walk away from an argument that is clearly out of my control. Im certain hed rather smack me in the face at times but being the amazing man he is he just moves on with his day and lets me be me another day longer. Im certain he hopes and prays one day I will be me again. Im not certain I will ever be me again. Since the hysterectomy I have been a totally different person. Ive refused to take hormones therefore leaving me on my own to support the missing estrogen that was yanked from my body nearly two years ago now. My doctor even went so far as to take bloodwork to prove to me I need something but I have yet to go back for the follow up appointment to hear the news. I am only at this point self diagnosed menopausal along with some doctors expressing the need for treatment. This bloodwork will close the deal. Im not ready for that bs, Im 39 years old. Forget it.
Blah blah blah, Im having another heat flash right now as I tpe and I cant get away from myself. This sucks. tears stream down my face. Im done with this, tired of the emotions and the feelings burning through my skin like Im in a room full of hot burning coals and warm wet towels. No damn it its not a sauna, its my stupid body. I need to get away from me. I want me back.
Ramble ramble ramble this all means nothing to the reader yet everything to me. I needed to get things off my chest tonight I guess.
Me – the one with uncontrollable mood swings and hot flashes
“Im woman, hear me roar…”