Anger runs through me…

I find myself blaiming my anger on so many things, yet never myself.  I am a 39 year old woman who is in denial of being menopausal while at the same time trying to come off of anxiety meds which Ive been taking for the past 10 years.  I find myself having seriously uncontrollable mean and hateful anger. Stupid little things tend to set me off.  I go from happy go lucky to get out of my face in less than a second flat.  Tonight my husband asked me to wash the bed clothes in the morning before I head out to work.  He said he would have the washing machine empty all I needed to do was to put the sheets in the wash and start it.  Well thats all it took, I was a mean and hateful person.  My God the thought of me having to get up 10 minutes sooner than I would of had to on a normal day enfuriated me.  Why? Hell I dont know.  Now I lay here awake in disgust with myself for acting the way that I did.  

If I could only describe to him the way I feel most times in a way that he could understand it.  My body goes into sudden hot flashes that in turn my mood goes with it.  I want to be normal I want to be happy go lucky all the time.  To love and to care and just get through 1 day without this array of emotions. 

While I know my body is doing better in the weening process, my mind still isnt ready to be off of everything.  I still get dizzy and light headed and feeling of out of sorts.  Im afraid to end this last bottle as the last one they didnt want to refill for me stating that I was to have already completed my weening process.  What if im not ready? What if I can not control my anxiety on my own? This is just so stupid.  Im addicted to anxiety medication.  I feel like I should be standing in front of a room of people stating “hi my name is ___________ and Im addicted to anxiety medication.”  How utterly embarresing is this stupid addiction.  

Thankfully I have an amazing supportive spouse who well he gets me.  He knows when Im having a bad day and he knows when to just walk away from an argument that is clearly out of my control.  Im certain hed rather smack me in the face at times but being the amazing man he is he just moves on with his day and lets me be me another day longer.  Im certain he hopes and prays one day I will be me again.  Im not certain I will ever be me again.  Since the hysterectomy I have been a totally different person.  Ive refused to take hormones therefore leaving me on my own to support the missing estrogen that was yanked from my body nearly two years ago now.  My doctor even went so far as to take bloodwork to prove to me I need something but I have yet to go back for the follow up appointment to hear the news.  I am only at this point self diagnosed menopausal along with some doctors expressing the need for treatment.  This bloodwork will close the deal.  Im not ready for that bs, Im 39 years old.  Forget it.  

Blah blah blah, Im having another heat flash right now as I tpe and I cant get away from myself.  This sucks.  tears stream down my face.  Im done with this, tired of the emotions and the feelings burning through my skin like Im in a room full of hot burning coals and warm wet towels.  No damn it its not a sauna, its my stupid body.  I need to get away from me.  I want me back.

Ramble ramble ramble this all means nothing to the reader yet everything to me. I needed to get things off my chest tonight I guess.

Sincerley,

Me – the one with uncontrollable mood swings and hot flashes

“Im woman, hear me roar…”

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Inside my head…

If your anything like me I know at some point in your life you have wanted to get inside someones head.  To know what they are thinking, how they are feeling, what they have been through that only they could know.  Every time I sit back and think how great it could be if only for a minute to be inside someone else’s head I realize that most times I struggle just being in my own head. The thoughts, feelings and struggles that I put myself through that no one would know.  Do I really want to carry someone else’s internal struggles along with mine.  Is that even something that I could bare?

For the most part I merely struggle with the unknown.  The fear of what might happen. What if I don’t get something done in time, what if someone near to me becomes ill and doesn’t survive the sickness, what if someones anger leads to harming someone, what if Im traveling alone and come up missing, what if what if what if.  My mind is full of what ifs and most of them lead back to the fear of not knowing. Okay all of them.  Apparently that is my number one fear, the fear of the unknown. Is that even a fear? Is that something that normal people struggle with? Am I even on the normal spectrum?

Ok so these arnt the only things that run through my head.  I am a little normal.  I think of things like “why is that girl crying?” and “what has that elderly person seen in their life?” or even “where has that old RV traveled over the years?” Silly things to have taking up important space in this tiny brain of mine huh!  Times when I should be thinking what my next move is to get through the day Im stopped in my tracks off in another place at another time. What causes me to be the way that I am? Is it that I am a scorpio, does that have any light on my constant over thinking everything that I do. I cant make a decision to save my life. The only thing I know is that I have people near me and around me and none of them truly know me.  I mean really who can truly know someone unless you have had the opportunity to get inside their head at some point in their life. 

I see social media and blog spots as a way to get in there. Those words they write are words that only they knew. They came directly from inside of them.  They are true actual thoughts and feelings that were not shared via verbal communication or actions that others can judge. They are internal communication that cannot be counteracted with what someone else thinks they were hearing or seeing. Only the person typing or writing those words on paper can control what is spoken. Upon reading the words I write right this moment you have found yourself inside my head. While it might not be what you had hoped to find in there it is real, it is live at this moment.  I tend to “over post” on social media, aka FaceBook. Post things that others refer to as “deep” or “a lot to take in” but thats just me Im open when I want to be open and Im withdrawn when I want to be withdrawn. Maybe at times my open posts are a cry to have someone else think these thoughts and carry them with them as well so that Im not alone in this, maybe they are to show others that I am human and have more going on than just what Im eating for dinner that night or what new clothing item I purchased. 

Getting inside someones head reminds you they are human. They breath the same air you breath, they see the same moon and stars at night that you see, they are more than a body taking up space on this earth.  And thats how it feels to get inside my head, only for tonight, only for this brief blog, I am human.