Broken Pieces

On Sunday morning my best friend, my husband of 20+ years signed himself into a drug and alcohol treatment program. I’m devastated not that he is getting help but the events leading up to this day. I’ve spent the last 4 days trying to pick up the pieces and go on without him here at home. I’m struggling. I’m failing. My mind is there with him. Wanting to heal his pain, my pain is nothing when he hurts. He is the rock of our family. He is the piece I need back to help me find the rest me. My mom is here helping me to cope with this life altering chain of events but I’m alone in this. I’m alone inside my head. I’m seeking Jesus. I am. I can’t find him right now. I know that didn’t mean he’s not here it just means I need to look harder.



Work, Family, Friends, Life…. It all catched up to me at once. Friends and Family that need me at the same time that my career is booming. I always try to put Family first but its hard its real hard when your trying to maintain a career for yourself and your family. 

This morning I wake up with crisis on the job site and children who cant find clothes to wear or chapstick for their bleeding lips. Yesterday my mind completely took a shut down.  I was out on sales travel when everything caught up to me. I found myself leaving a potential clients office, looked up to see a massage salon and drove to it in tears, left phones in the car and walked in and laid on a massage table and cried while the lady tried her best to relax me. They were just those quiet tears, you know the ones that just roll down your face trying to stay as close to the side of your face to not be seen. The tears of just worn out what now tears. The first 15 minutes of my “brrreak from reality” I continued to just relive the last few days in my head. Finally I gave in to the relaxation that I should of been in the final 15 minutes and boom it was over. The quiet world that I had was gone, life went right back to normal. Do I regret taking that time to myself? No, not at all. While i laid there however with no cell phones I worried what I was missing. I worried was the boss calling, which he was, did my kids need something? A million things went through my mind laying there without that damned phone connected at my hip. What if I missed an important medical emergency? What if I missed a dispatch call for work? How can I relax my mind when Im worried about these things.

This morning I wake to hear that a new client I recently signed would be let down by not one but two call offs. Do you know how hard it is to get people to be responsible and go to work?  This is rediculous! one stays up all night and just thinks its ok to text in sick while the other thinks its societies problem to get him to work. These things I will never understand. Work is apart of life.  Its not something we get to choose whether or not to do. Work is like eat, sleep and breathe, you just do it. I have worked since I was 8 years old.  Something.  Chores, stacking wood at the old house to detasseling to babysitting to bussing tables and working fast food. As a senior in high school I had 3 jobs and went to school. Give me a break.  These days its all you can do to get the kids to go to school. In my mind I wonder what has happened to the world, has it really declined this much in peoples respect for society and the way it works. 

Time to go to work…. boring but RANT over for now.  Just needed to get the screaming out of my head so I can move on with this day and focus!!!

Do Not Stand at My Grave and Weep

50 Shades of Gray Hair

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

by Mary Elizabeth Frye

For my father, who is all things. You are here and not there.
In the simple things I love so much…thanks to you.

(But hey…do you think you could tone down the northeast wind a knot or two? And while you’re at it, this shiny diamond, snowy goodness thing you got going on is pretty and all…but could you…

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